Meet The Airhead: "I am very comfortable in my own selfgenerated niche. For only I actually thrive in our downright unreasonable monological world full of people who always talk without listening to each other or even to themselves. Yea, verily, for my responses are utter non sequitur. I never actually bother to actually read before responding. I only have an impulse to chaotic incoherent self expression, and whatever random input at a glance is simply my convenient Rorschach free association trigger stimulus and nothing more."
Meet The Code Nerd: "They may tell you that I cannot see the forest for the trees, but what little does that signify? When surfing an unfamiliar website, as guardian of the holy sanctity of html, I proudly make a point never to use the intended browser, derive so much as one iota of joy from graphics, FX or other gimmicks, nor, especially, to allow myself to be distracted by actual content. I simply issue the wildest and most sweepingly purpose-defeating demands for everything be scrapped, dumped and changed completely, with no regard what so ever for anything save the pristine purity of code! Because such is all that matters!"
Meet The Flamer: "When surfing an unfamiliar website, in response I demonstrate my innate superiority by unremittingly spewing forth picayune irrelevance, unrelenting abuse and ugly groundless accusation! Because I'm so well adjusted and cool with the in-crowd..."
Meet The IRATE CRUSADING PETTY PALTRY PICAYUNE PRUDE: "Even if I never find the wherewithal to navigate any other content whatsoever, I will, nevertheless, unerringly home in and locate whatever the one particular iota of content, however tame, trivial or obscure, that will most offend my excruciatingly delicate sensibilities and save me from the need or dire temptation whatsoever of ever pondering or discussing anything even remotely interesting, important or relevant. Soft flame, -dare you protest... Whatever can you be talking about! What's my problem? -You may demand... Well, let's just get one thing straight, I've got no problem, little mister! I do it for all the children Online. All else must stay perpetually on hold until the entire world capitulates to me and my fawning sycophantic toadies! Because, the ever fragile young (just for precaution, even if nowhere even remotely in evidence!) must always be shielded by my own unyielding terror, scandalized obsession, stultifying fixation, life long denial and taboo. Never be insensitive: After all, what has Feminism got to do with equal self reliance and rational calm? No, no, that's not what freedom is all about! It's for your own good, dear... Who wouldn't want to grow up as happy as and heteronymously well adjusted as I? Values must be safeguarded far earlier than they can actually be comprehended. Otherwise, the resultant sex-crazed drooling adolescent is a deformed and unnaturally pathetic creature and a threat to our way of life. But an unstable Patriotic bible-thumping closed minded Moralistically upright and chronically offended cockblcking young slut-shamer is strong, capable and ready to preserve our traditions and help keep the same leaders in power, just like me!"
Meet The DELUSIONAL FANATIC: "I am a flagrant Antinationalist secretively beating about the bush and indignantly demanding blanket exemptions from accountability, consistent logic and Reality Testing for all of my own obscure and fanatical articles of faith and Paranormal claims that inform all my distorted views, animosity towards criticism, question begging, depraved indifference and destructive behaviors, willfully blind to all contradiction, Empirical, logical, moral or ethical. Humor me patiently as I insult your intelligence and offend all compassion, or else suffer my wrath and scorn!"
Meet The VAGUE Gist: "I never imagined that there are actually people who begin, first, by seizing upon any single point in a hypertext, to then construct their understanding of the whole, adding to their own picture as they move through the content. What an interesting notion! Me, I'm just happy to browse all of this fascinating content, which I don't yet understand. What, aren't I getting the gist of it? You mean, we're not making balloon animals? What, can it be that are we not communicating but merely bypassing?"
Meet TED, the EVER Obtuse Inductivist: "I have so much to offer in response to this website, but I can never come to the point. The Universe, after all, is a riddle, and I am noting if not Universal! And so, by bombarding you with examples, marshalling copious illustrations, useless press clippings and seemingly random hyperlinks, my message, surely will arise, by and by, in all of it's magnificent splendor!"
Copyright Aaron Agassi 2003 - 2012